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Daily Wire Consider Releasing Larger Tumbler to Account For Increase In Leftist Tear Fall In 2018


Los Angeles – Conservative dynamo, Ben Shapiro, along with his colleagues Andrew Klavan and Michael Knowles had a fantastic 2017.  Leading the way in a growing movement to push back against the left, The Daily Wire has grown “bigly” over the last year.  “We knew we were going to see some leftist tears last year,” said Shapiro, “but no one expected that much.” The Daily Wire team is responsible for many of those tears.  To help their loyal subscribers cope with the steady flow of leftist tears, they provided them with the “Leftist Tears Tumbler” (hot or cold).  “I can’t stop drinking them, every time I set my tumbler down it starts overflowing instantly,” said an energetic Andrew Klavan. “I’ve started watering my yard with the tears. There is just SO much.”  The Daily Wire recently leaked a photo of a significantly larger tumbler for 2018. “We aren’t sure yet,” said Micheal Knowles as he gently ashed his cigar in his “Louder with Crowder” Mug.  “We want our subscribers to be equipped to deal with all those leftists and all those tears. So we have some things in the works back at the warehouse.”  Those “things” Knowles was referring to is most likely the 400-gallon leftist tears tumbler.  Shapiro responded “The new tumbler is big, I’m not gonna lie…like really, really big. we need to find the right fit because at this size, the yearly subscription price would be about $3,500 a year.  The new 400-gallon tumbler cost us 3,400 bucks, gang.” In the meantime, the $100 a year membership plus standard tumbler will have to do. “We just hope people stay safe out there,” Klavan said, “if 2017 is any indication, we are looking at record Leftist Tear fall this year. Keep those tumblers close…especially during those Klavanless weekends.”  /

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