The Daily Mire

Bite-Sized Satire From The Swamp

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5 Tips For Surviving The Government Shutdown

With America about to shut down, probably forever, the people of this great nation are on the verge of panic. No one knows what will happen, many pundits have been speculating. Will Canada absorb America? Will Native American’s reclaim their land? There will probably be a little of both. Once the Government shuts down, all laws are temporarily lifted, private land enters “ups for grabs” status and businesses become public property.


  1. Claim as much land as possible. No one owns anything, but as soon as the government opens again, who ever claimed they land while America was turned off, gets to keep it.


  1. Fight your neighbors immediately; do not wait until they attack you.


  1. Dig graves ahead of time. Nothing is worse than a mid-government shutdown death when you don’t have a grave. Get bodies buried quickly.


  1. Join a gang of bandits or train a pack of animals. This is self-explanatory.


  1. Kidnap a grocery store manager. Torture them until they reveal their distributers. Use your bandits to raid any and all food shipments before they get to the store.


The difference between life and death can be found in these 5 simple rules. Good luck.


  1. Thanks for this article. Pure trash and I fell for it. I kidnapped my neighbors wife and shot him in the leg. She’s a good cook. I’m not a pervert. I took her back to my fort, a couple of chairs with a blanket over them. Still the police just pulled the blanket off and grabbed me. Thanks for nothing.


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