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NBC Cracks Down On Sexual Harassment By Issuing Sumo Suit Uniform Policy

Following the horrifying revelations about NBC’s Matt Lauer and his secret door-locking button, NBC Universal has been frantically assessing their options to minimize sexual harassment by company employees. After mandating an “Ask first, hug second” Policy, the company realized they needed more: “We need  something that not only makes it impossible to harass, but also diminishes our employees sexual instincts,” said an NBC representative. “We banned alcohol, skirts, and aphrodisiacs such as oysters; however, we still see a frightening amount of interaction between the men and women. Although a consensual hug seems like an innocent act, it is a gateway drug for full on rape,” the representative warned. The company concluded that issuing sumo suits company-wide will not only suppress the urges of their employees, but makes it nearly impossible to “grab, grope, brush, pat or otherwise come in contact with a fellow employees erogenous zones.” The NBC rep concluded: “NBC Universal is proud of this landmark initiative, now we just have to figure out how to get employees to stop wrestling each other.” /

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